Doug & I met back in 1987 at Duke right before school got out for the summer, and that was half of his life ago. I was a DJ, who played awful New Wave music, & he listened to my show on the radio. During that summer, I went to California to visit him in Berkeley, where I think I first met Paul, Doug's buddy from Kent, then La Jolla where he met my family.
I guess we really hit it off because he showed up the next fall in Paris on my doorstep, and as they say, the rest was history. We explored Paris- eating nutella & banana crepes while walking around fun & funky areas- parks, cemeteries, cathedrals, squares with cobbled streets & open air markets with game vendors (we didn't have bunnies, deer, pheasant, among others in our markets!) & lots of stinky cheese. Quiet Doug was talking & talking...telling me about his past, his hopes for his future. He had a quirky ironic & quick witted sense of humor despite his laid back facade...I saw a shining, gentle intellectual but spiritual soul who I wanted to love & support. We were so different, but I thought we were good for each other, at least for quite a time. I'm an "outward" type, Doug was, as we know, quite "inward".
From his reflective nature, I learned to look inside myself to find the answer to my problems instead of blaming others. I learned that I could find peace within myself from his example. Following him to beautiful Santa Cruz after I graduated also helped with that peaceful influence. There we felt more deeply committed to each other amongst the big redwood trees & the wild Pacific; we plotted to homestead together- to find a piece of land where we could live more simply. We were growing up, growing together, making our dreams into reality.
Vacations found us camping & hiking in Oregon; we decided to look for land to farm there. We lived with Doug's brother, Harry, & his girlfriend Petra for about a year before we found our land. I dreamed of our land the night before we drove up its driveway for the first time, seeing the old farmhouse completely encircled by a meadow encased by old trees & a creek unfold before me; it's the place I still call home. I am so grateful to Doug for this sense of home, this warm place where I belong, where so many creative misfits from the rest of the country gather, here, in Cottage Grove, Oregon.
It was at this special spot on earth where we married, grew food & grew as individuals. Our place became a hub of community - a place to eat delicious home grown food, gather with others to discuss politics, alternative technologies, culture, spiritual beliefs & enjoy the good life, laugh & sometimes dance, howl with the coyotes & burn a bonfire...We loved each other immensely during those years & our 2 dogs, Yoka & Nishu, completed our little family. Walking in Grandpa's Park in the mud, seeing the spotted owls with their babies in the Old Growth next to our land, dealing with the EMUS (a whole other chapter!), planting, weeding & harvesting gardens & orchards, building, tinkering & creating art- this was our life. We felt our love eternal.
Exploring new places & ideas, seeing how other people lived & viewed the world & seeking alternatives to the status quo interested us. During this time, Doug undertook a big sailing trip down the coast of Oregon with his brother, Harry, & Petra, where they were bashed by giant waves & had to strap themselves onto the boat- no kidding! This was one of the first times that I realized despite Doug's mellow exterior, he was incredibly brave, a quality that would become even stronger at the end of his life. He had a very special relationship with his younger brother. Doug loved spending time with Harry- flying in small airplanes, sailing, usually doing something exciting- usually enjoying each other's company, joking, occasionally bickering (which was sometimes amusing!). Doug was also a treasured part of my family and was seen as a peacemaker and an understated comic in our ebullient gatherings.
We both liked to make things. My creations were more decorative, Doug's more practical. He met folks from Aprovecho Research Center & started building solar cookers & rocket stoves & set up a solar irrigation system for our garden. He met Moth & the projects started getting bigger. First it was a wood-fired bread oven, then an electric car, & at one point, a steam engine (which blew up). Then the concept for the chocolate factory grew after we had visited Moth in Grenada. The guys figured they could make a bunch of the machinery & be able to make a product that would make the villagers a good wage...well, i saw lots of prototypes & witnessed many sleepless nights of Doug & Moth trying to figure out how to make some contraption work.
Funny thing with geniuses & inventors though, they tend to get a little obsessed. As proud as I am of Doug & Moth accomplishing the feat which is Grenada Chocolate, it was really the birth of the chocolate company that was the death of our marriage. I put up a significant chunk of the start up money for the company. Doug had told me for years that I would be involved with marketing, accounting & publicity. Doug was well aware of the contributions I could make with the business skills I acquired from running my own business. Although I had supported them & the project in so many ways (cooking, cleaning, financially, emotionally) for years, when the time came to move to Grenada, Moth made it clear that he did not want me to be part of the business. By this point, Doug was completely invested in the project & realized that it would have been very difficult to make things work between Moth & me. There seemed to be no room left in the equation for "Doug & Sue" anymore. Anyhow, I guess it was not meant to be & we all eventually moved on. Doug, Moth & Brown worked tirelessly to achieve the gem that is Grenada Chocolate- that has provided so many good people with decent jobs, stood up to the post-colonial Cocoa board, uses alternative energy, has an inspirational business model and produces an excellent, if bittersweet, chocolate that still lingers on my palate.
We did come around to being good friends again, although it took a while. I look up to Doug for his creative thinking, wisdom, perserverence, strength of character and bottomless love, yes, and also his forgiveness. We admitted we had wished we had been able to have healthy boundaries within our relationship & in relation to others. I also learned from Doug how challenging it can be for a tall person in this world (ouch, those doorways!) & I will integrate those lessons into bringing up & helping to instill my extra tall 5 yr old son Shambay with good self-esteem.
I think about Doug and the last year of pain & suffering he endured; I cry for him as the vibrant yellow leaves fall to the ground to become dirt which feeds new life. I think about his courage in facing his cancer & fighting for life & his greater courage in letting go. I am so grateful to Linda & Jim & their kids for being there for Doug, in literally his year of need. I think about rubbing his feet the last time I visited him in September & about hugging his frail frame; we still shared deep feelings for one another. I go down to our special cedar tree where the goddess statue we put there when we married is crumbling back into dirt...I look up. A couple hundred year fir tree right next to the cedar and the newly swollen creek has fallen down just a few days after Doug passed. Two giants will become dirt, will become life.
I love you Doug, your spirit is free. I've grown from knowing you. In your memory, I am creating a memorial grove granting the public access to the grove of ancient trees on the BLM land next to mine in the hopes of saving that Old Growth Forest from being cut. In the J. Douglas Browne Memorial Grove, I will invite all to place memorial plaques or remembrances of their loved ones or pets. Doug, you will be missed by so many you touched all over the world.
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